


I Am, I've Been, I Hope To Be

by nagi_schwarz



Series: Foxtrot [74]
Category: Dollhouse, First Monday, Sisters (1991 TV), Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-27 16:45:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6292228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagi_schwarz/pseuds/nagi_schwarz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney and John's conversation after Joe and Evan strand them at home alone. Post-series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am, I've Been, I Hope To Be

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the quote: "I love you with everything I am, everything I've been, and everything I hope to be." – Romancing Mr. Bridgerton (Julian Quinn)
> 
> Thanks to brumeier for the beta!

Rodney and John emerged from their respective bedrooms and arrived in the kitchen at the same time and discovered the house was empty. Joe and Evan were gone.

Rodney swallowed hard, darted a glance at John sidelong. "I guess they went out on a date or something."

"You guess?" John flinched at the acid in his tone. He didn't have any right to be angry. He'd lied to Rodney for years. Sort of. At this point Rodney was aware that John was in love with him, so that wasn't a secret, but that didn't make up for the fact that John had never told Rodney that maybe he'd had a chance for love and companionship beyond Jennifer Keller or Katie Brown.

"Judging by the contents of the note on the, uh, fridge." Rodney pointed.

Tacked to the front of the fridge with a colorful magnet was, indeed, a note. In Joe's handwriting.

 _Spur of the moment date. Leftovers in fridge._ It was signed _J &E_.

John hated the way Rodney flinched whenever he saw John, like John's very existence was painful to him. "I'll get out of your hair till they get back. Have one of them text me." He headed into the foyer, dipped his hands into the massive homemade ceramic bowl that was on the entrance table like he did every morning. Only he didn't find his keys.

He paused, actually looked down at the bowl. It was empty. "Unbelievable."

"What is?" Rodney asked.

"They took our keys," John said.

"They?" Rodney came over to investigate, very carefully staying out of John's space. He swore. "They took my keys too!"

"That's what I just said." Again with the cutting sarcasm. It was a stupid defense mechanism.

 _Take deep breaths,_ English Teacher suggested.

 _You're deflecting,_ Brian said. _Turning your own guilt at your choice into anger at him. Don't do that. Your relationship is fragile enough as it is._

"Why would they do that?"

"So we have to talk, obviously," John said. Hostage Negotiator was already proposing several different approaches for what would be a very difficult conversation no matter what.

Rodney said, "You're a selfish asshole who has a ridiculous martyr complex."

John backed up a step, hands raised in surrender. "Whoa, Rodney, why don't you tell me what you _really_ think."

Brian tutted. _Again with the sarcasm._

"It's obvious what they want us to do. I see no point in wasting any time," Rodney said, and his voice was speeding up, color was rising in his cheeks. "I don't know who the hell you think you are, making that kind of decision for me –"

"I didn't make it for you," John snapped. "I made it for _me_."

"The it's-not-you-it's-me speech? Really?" Rodney crossed his arms over his chest. "Because that's not cliché at all."

"I told you I loved you, and you said you loved me back."

"I remember that part, thanks. And anything I didn't remember I got to rewatch on some of the Atlantis security footage."

John felt himself go pale. "You – _what?_ "

"Don't worry, no one saw what happened. It's not like anyone can access that footage willy-nilly. I got Dr. Naoe to hack it for me," Rodney said.

Dr. Naoe was a world-class hacker. John had always assumed he was too into his video games and anime to care much for other people's romances. Not that John and Rodney had had a romance. John crossed his arms over his chest and hunched his shoulders reflexively. Both Brian and Wannabe Actor shouted at him for holding himself like prey. He ignored them. "Good for you."

"What the hell were you thinking, not reminding me about what happened between us?"

"You forgot," John said.

"I had a parasite in my brain."

"Well, you remembered flirting with Jennifer well enough."

"We didn't get together till I went on my annual leave almost three months later. You could have reminded me long before then." Rodney crossed his arms over his chest and fixed John with an unimpressed look.

John couldn't do this in the narrow foyer. He felt – claustrophobic. He blamed it on CIA Agent. He spun around and headed for the kitchen. "I can't do this here."

"Hey, don't walk away from me." Rodney scrambled to follow him.

"Not walking away from you." John crossed to the kitchen sink, filled a glass of water and took a long drink. Then he unbuttoned the collar of his shirt, because it was really too hot in the house.

"Not what it looked like from where I'm standing." Rodney sounded so angry. He had every right to be angry. For years, whenever he'd offered John sympathy or compassion, he'd done so without reserve, without knowing John's constant ulterior motive, the way he craved ever touch and whisper and smile, hoping that one day they would mean something more than they did.

"I'm sorry, I just can't breathe right now." John unbuttoned his shirt a little further.

Rodney took a few deep breaths. When he spoke again, his voice was softer, slower, calmer. "Why didn't you tell me? You knew I'd reciprocate your feelings. You'd already heard my answer once."

"I was afraid." The words came out clipped and harsh. John's throat was raw.

"Afraid of what? You knew I was capable of loving you."

"You said it while you were losing your mind." John spun around to face him. "The last two people I'd dared to put my trust in couldn't handle it. Chaya took one look at me, at my mind, and all this –" he gestured at his own head – "and couldn't handle it. And she was _Ascended_. And Teer – she had no way of coping with all the issues my having imprints dumped on me. How could I expect you not to freak out when they couldn't even cope?"

"You could've trusted me," Rodney said softly. "I'd already reciprocated where neither of them had. I'm a scientist. I understand. And I love you. All of you."

John's chest hitched at the words.

"Not the way you love me, obviously," and Rodney sounded so regretful that John wanted to cry.

Wannabe Actor told him to buck up and pinch the bridge of his nose to prevent any tears from actually falling.

"I know," John said. "I've accepted that."

 _Have you?_ Brian asked.

John soldiered on. "You know the truth. I'm in love with you. I love you with everything I am, everything I've been, and everything I hope to be."

Inside, the imprints cheered and rallied him on. Even if some of them held little romantic affection for Rodney, they all cared about John's happiness.

John caught Rodney's gaze and held it. "I know you're in love with Jennifer. And maybe once you could have been in love with me, but that time is past. You're happy with Jennifer, and I accept that. I _want_ you to be happy, and if being with her makes you happy, then I'm okay with you not being with me."

"What if being with you would make me happy?"

 _It would!_ some of the imprints cried.

John ignored them. "You'd have to make that decision, not me." 

Rodney lowered his gaze for a moment, thoughtful. "I'm pretty happy now, with our relationships as they are."

John raised his eyebrows.

Rodney huffed. "I mean, this whole frosty silence and avoidance thing is quite unhappy, but generally speaking, our little household makes me happy."

"I know. That's why I never told you."

"You still had three months in which to do so."

"I did."

"And you chose not to."

"Correct."

"Like a coward."

"Like a man who has two dozen lifetimes' worth of hurt and decided he didn't want to risk any more."

 _But it wasn't a risk,_ Brian pointed out. _He said he loved you back._

Julian piped up. _In fact, his exact words were: "I love you too. All of you. Every piece of you. I don't care what they did to you."_ Damn him and his eidetic memory.

John ignored them both. "I'm sorry for lying to you, Rodney. I really am. You deserved better than that." But he still remembered the awkward silence Rodney had treated him with when he finally came clean to Woolsey and Zelenka and Keller and the rest of the leadership of Atlantis about his status as a former Dollhouse active.

"Damn right I did." But Rodney's expression softened.

"Things are what they are now, and I have to live with that, and I'm prepared to do that, for the sake of my friendship with you and Jennifer and Evan. Are you?"

Something in Rodney's gaze was unreadable, but then he smiled again, a genuine smile, and said, "Yes. I am prepared."

"Thank you."

Rodney hugged him.

John hugged him back, closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of his skin and soap and hair and let Pianist and Julian file those details away for later, and then he let go.


End file.
